It’s been a very long time since I spent a day just basking in a warm feeling, especially around this time of the year. Clinical depression sucks. I was diagnosed with it a good 18 years ago. I had a sequence of events in 1993 that just floored me so completely that I am not certain I ever recovered from it.

It’s weird when everything that makes you, “you” crumbles around you. What compounds it is the sense that everything you were convinced made you “you” actually transpires to be probably wrong. You might notice some back and forth regarding tenses and absolutes there, but you know, that’s what doubt is.

Anyway. Since that year, from December (around Xmas) to March, I had what could be termed terminal SAD, indeed, on two clear occasions I was determined it would be just that. I think it was quite possibly actual SAD combined with anniversary depression. Of course, Xmas is an acute reminder of being separate from family. Winter sucks in general and I loathe short days. February 23rd is the anniversary of my Mother’s birthday. Her passing was one of the big events that affected me in 1993. If it had been that event alone, maybe I could have survived, I don’t know. (I mean “survived” as the person I was.) But as it came after two other pretty massive stressors, it didn’t happen. I do have times when I am glad that person didn’t survive. Or perhaps I am just enabling something. Who knows.

Anyhoo, the point is, this depression would always culminate in the darkest point coming at the close of February.

But not this year.

For the first time in nearly two decades… two fucking decades!, I have been free of this bloody awful affliction. I’ve recorded already how astonishing this year has been so far. Building a relationship with Jill has lifted me to an amazing degree. I know how lucky I am although I do continue to be surprised.

Yesterday was a good case in point. As usual I get up and get my day started. Of course, checking the web is a part of that. So I go to giraffeboards to see the new posts. I find this. First just reading the OP (opening post) made me grin from ear to ear, but then reading the responses from the other ‘raffers was pretty great too [/understatement].

So, on the day that, for far too long I have been lower than low, I actually feel happier and more optimistic than any time I can remember. Life’s good.